Wow, just typing the title gave me shivers. The queasy kind. I mentioned I’m LDS, right? I’m pretty sure I have. Well, I’m not the best LDS but I’m definitely giving it a good, solid E. Anyhow, the time has come. Scott and I have been married for over 4 years now and we’ve been talking temple marriage since before we tied the knot. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time but with my (get ready for the shocker) hesitation on the commitment that comes along with it. We’re not talking until death do us part. I may have finally settled with the idea that I can more than likely make it until death with Scott. I know that’s terribly put. Scott’s still an incredible man but I think I may have realized my commitment fears stem from the pressure I put on myself. It seems it may be one of those “I’m so overwhelmed by the mere thought of all of this I’m going to quit before I even begin” type things. I tease Scott with “I don’t know if I can deal with your (insert behavior here) for all eternity. I’m gonna need to think about this a little more,” on an at least weekly basis.
I am so pumped to do this until I actually take the step foward to go through with it. Last Sunday we began our first temple prep class. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I’m barely being over dramatic. As soon as we starting walking towards the door I could feel my pits start getting clammy, my hands start to shake, and my heart begin racing. Can it Sarah, you’re just a little nervous. We sit down. My symptoms only start escalating. Our teacher asks a question and I can feel my throat tighten and dry out but I raise my hand to answer anyway. It’s full of “know what I mean?”s, “maybe, I’m not really sure”s, “does that make sense?”s. Totally not confident. All I can think about is Can I really do this? Forever? Sure, for now I’m not tempted to do things I’m not supposed to do but I can’t guarantee I won’t ALWAYS feel that way. I’m weak. I’m gonna slip up. I know it. Is Scott right for the whole eternity bit? This is a big deal. Can I handle this much pressure? Again with the pressure bit. I’m scared. I suppose at least taking the classes is helpful. It’ll give me some insight on what’s ahead. I don’t have to go just yet. I’ve got as much time as we need. I feel like this is what people think before they get married. I guess in a way, this feels like actually getting married. The temple is a really big deal to me. Much bigger than just being recognized by the state as a couple. I’m making some heavy covenants. I joked with Brittany that “You know, this is gonna take me off the market in Heaven.” She replied, “I’m sure you can turn your ring around and flirt up there too.” I love her. Here’s hoping that’s true! 😉