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Why am I awake?

Somewhere around the vicinity of 2:30 am I start dreaming about my little Jacob (my 5 month old) being a chatty little thing. Not long after, I start waking up, realizing it’s not a dream. He is making baby snow angels and talking about everything under the moon next to me. I’m a partial co-sleeper. Jacob goes down in his crib for the first part of the night. When he wakes up, I go in and bring him back to sleep with me. It’s just easier to nurse that way. But here it is 2:30-ish and he doesn’t want to eat. He wants to gab. “Please stop talking, Jacob. It’s still nigh-nigh time.” He doesn’t give a shit about this – He can sleep whenever he wants. Nigh-nigh time is when he says it’s nigh-nigh time. So, up mommy goes. I remember I may have a message in my facebook inbox, so the plan was to nurse him and get caught up then put him back in his own crib. Fail. He nurses, chats, nurses, arches and yells, nurses, talks some more. The cycle continues. Next, I hear “umghghnnmgh…sigh.” Great. A poopy diaper. Please don’t be blown out. “Okay, little man. Let’s go change you” I say half-peppy as I’m now waking up myself. Shit. Blew through. I haven’t had a mid-night mess like this since the newborn days. He’s all too happy to have given me an additional challenge. It’s fine. I clean him up and get another great idea! Bath time! The warm bath should soothe his little body and help him slip into a nice sleep. Bath goes great! He loves it and I can see his eyeballs getting heavy.  I get him dressed, singing and talking with him. Man, I love his smiles! I again try nursing. Nope – he’s not having it. He starts yelling at me, kicking all over the place! I lift him up and snuggle him so his face is rested on top of my shoulder. Silence. He starts nestling into my chest so I put him down to nurse again. He yells and kicks some more so I lift him back up. Oh no. What do I do now? How long is this going to last? What if he tries to make me just hold him all night? What if I never get a good night sleep again? What’s tomorrow going to bring? What if Caleb wakes up early? What if he’s crabby? Oh no. oh no. oh no. Okay. Calm down. You got this. I bring him into his room where it’s dark and quiet. He’s starting to get pissed. “Okay, baby. Time to swaddle.” I grab his soft green blanket from his crib, lay it on the floor, and swaddle him up. He puts up a little fight but I know this will help. As he’s getting relatively angrier in my arms and I can see his bags under his eyes I realize there’s only one last option. Run. I know this is going to sound awful and I don’t know why it works but I have to swaddle my son up and literally run laps around the house. Okay jog laps. I hold him in my arms so his body isn’t moving or bouncing but I think maybe he likes the sound of my heart beating wildly out of my chest and my gasping for breath. It’s not as easy as it used to be. He’s getting heavy. But just as I figured, within the first lap, eyes closed! What?! I slow my pace. Eyes open, a fights coming out! Nooooo! I start jogging again. Eyes closed. Don’t stop, Sarah. He’ll wake again! I jog lap after lap. It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m jogging all over my house! When I finally feel jogged out, I slow my pace to a walk. Eyes half-open then close. Open. Close. He’s asleep. Swings don’t work, but running in my arms does. It’s crazy. My mom believes it’s because I ran during my pregnancy that he enjoys it so much. She may have a point. In any case, life with an infant is never boring. Here’s a few images of how my nights generally look:

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About Brittany

Hello :). I'm Brittany! I'm a 20-something-year-old serving in the Air Force stumbling my way through life. I blog as a means of trying to figure myself out. Enjoy the journey:).

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