…how much you change? I have anyway. Here I am on pinterest – I should be downstairs playing with my 3 year old but the little girl I babysit for some extra dough just left and Jacob’s still asleep, so after a day of singing all about colors, painting, crafting, dancing, teaching, reading, playing with 3 children 3 and under I tell myself “you deserve this break.” Nevermind that today was “Latte Thursday” where a bunch of us girls get together and sip on Becky’s delicious concoctions while the little ones play. Whatevs – Anyhow, like I was saying, I’m on pinterest where I stumble upon a terribly horrific wedding dress. After my initial shock of disgust and horror, I look a little closer. “Oh my Heavens,” I think, “That’s the exact original dress I looked for to wear in my first wedding! Eeeeeew! What was wrong with me?!” I wonder “Have I changed that much?” Suddenly, several images flood my brain with super fast speed and precision. Walking into my apartment one day I shared with husband #1 and declaring out of the blue “I want a divorce.” Partying like crazy one summer and having the time of my life – I’m telling you, no one has ever loved life more or lived it more fully than I did in the summer of ’06, baby! Proposing to Scott only partially sure I could actually deliver. Finding out I was unreadily pregnant. Working my butt off teaching. Military life in mountain home (one of the best times), military life in Japan (another of the best), vacations, miscarriages, baby #2 completely ready and hopeful, quitting work to be a better mom (some moms are incredible and can balance everything life throws at them. I am not one. I suck at balance and generally pick work over family. Often. This makes for a very sucky mom), and finally watching myself sit here. Now that just sounds like a whole jumbled mess of someones life but for me, all these moments led to a very different woman.
I still often feel like I’m still in highschool. I can’t believe I’m about to have my 10 year reunion next year because I literally feel like I just graduated last year, but I’ve found a lot of my thinking has changed. My tastes, my pet peeves, what’s important to me, pretty much everything. I wonder now, if I’m much like I used to be. I used to binge drink with the best of them! I was the girl shouting out “shot time – who’s with me?!” about every 5-10 minutes until I was well lit. Scott recalls me joining his fussball team when he was up 6-0 (players had to take a shot anytime someone scored on them). He claims as soon as I subbed in, he lost 6-10 and got himself pretty hammered. Whoops. We paired alcohol with everything. Our favorite water park would sell us shots for .25! We’d do a few, then hit the water slides. We’d chill in the lazy river with a daquiri or pina colada. Life was gooood. (Can you tell this was summer of ’06)? Now, drinking has somehow lost that lovin feeeeling as I can’t really get that amped up to do it anymore. I love being around people drinking but I never feel that excited to participate. I’m just as happy being sober. It’s not because I go to LDS church or that we’re a mormon family (although, I kind of wish it was because that might make me a “good mormon” but it’s not). It’s not because I’m nursing because I could always possibly pump and dump – although, I don’t yeild the best results from pumping. I’m just totally content without it. I like not spending the ten bucks on one drink and waking up sick. I aaaalways wake up sick now. I have no idea how this happened. I remember waking up after a wicked party at Scott’s and saying “let’s go get IHOP!” Now, I’m down for days. Literally. More than one.
I still have food/body image issues but nothing compared to the past. I remember back in the day, I think it started when I was 16, I began a little obsession with laxitives and diuretics. I saw a therapist about everything going on. She told me my eating problems were most likely a result of losing Robert and my dad so close together and at an imperative age. Food was/is something I can control so I clung to it or something like that. I think I agree because anytime life starts feeling out of control, I either start dieting heavily or exercising like a maniac. When Matt (husband #1) and I were first married, I even took a dose of syrup of ipicac after a binge eat. I will never do that again. I thought I was going to actually puke my intestines up. It hurt so bad and drinking water only made the vomitting worse. I was afraid I was going to die. I didn’t die. I would never hurt my body in those ways again. After having my boys, I pledged to be reasonable about weight loss. It’s nice because you drop a ton initially but with nursing comes hunger. For me, I gain back and stabilize before I’m done losing the weight. With Caleb, I was back to skinny by 5-6 months. I’m not sure yet with Jacob. I’ve noticed I seem to cut myself a lot more slack, though. So far so good on my no more self-hatred vow. 🙂
My relationship has become important to me. I have to give every ounce of credit for this to Scott. As mentioned before, I am not a commitment girl. If I started feeling like the relationship was getting to serious or someone was trying to work their way in, I ended it. None of my high school relationships made it past 6 weeks. I dated the same guys several times, but not longer than 6 weeks. I didn’t mind spilling out the “L” word and talking about futures but I never meant a word of it – even if I thought in one of the moments I did, I didn’t. With Matt, I literally walked in one day and just blabbed I was ready for divorce. I didn’t really even second guess it. There were some moments I kind of questioned it but in my heart I couldn’t continue with the relationship. In my defense, I was 20, engaged at 19. This man would check my bank accounts with the money I was earning by going to college and working full time at a bakery and question me about everything. He dissed my family calling them “working class” and “blue collar” – the hell you say? My family works hard and they earn every bit! No one deserves more than they do as they all bust their asses! He told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with. I was already a wild child cooped up. You cannot clip my wings. I needed to be a free bird. Writing this all makes me feel like a selfish bastard but at that time I was far too immature, self-serving, and commitment-feared to stay or try to work things out. So I ended it. I announced in April and all was done by June. We technically weren’t divorced. It was just annulled. Also, I had recently started BC pills which totally messed with my emotions and thought process literally rendering me crazy. I mean it. I was a hormonal mess!
I met Scott in May. Yes, the May that comes right after the April I announced I wanted out, and was smitten the moment he looked up at me. On a side note, you may be thinking “what a slut! she just broke up with her husband.” Okay, you got me. I was. I loved the idea of love. I loved the chase, I loved the butterflies, the excitement, the games! Daddy used to call me a butterfly, saying I fluttered from flower to flower. Yep, that’s about right. Anyhow, he had just come back from Kyrgyztan and this boy was fit. Toned, tanned, and seemingly good looking. I had just had quite a bit to drink, straight from the pitcher if I remember accurately, and here was this military man playing a few rounds of pool. I hadn’t seen him much just yet. One of my friends playing opposite him had to take a leak and asked if anyone wanted to fill in. Immediately, I jump up and shout out “Me! You betchya!” I tell Scott, who still has his head down looking at the table “You better watch out. I’m pretty incredible.” Total lie – I’m about as good at pool as I am at fussball. That’s when it happens. He looks up at me and under his crisp white Boise State hat I see the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen – and I’ve seen a lot! They were blueish green, like I imagined a tropical ocean being – and says “We’ll see.” Oh em gee. Was that a challenge?! Gorgeous and challenging?! I had to have him. Immediately. I was as cute as cute could be. I was clever, whitty, on point! He gave nothing back. “Oh wow. He’s my soulmate. I will get him.” I thought. By the end of the night he still didn’t seem the least bit interested but it was May 28th (shit, my anniversary) and the summer was just beginning. The next day my friend Travis and I had plans to do a little mountain biking on a sketchy path. As we were loading up his truck he asked nervously “ummm, do you mind if I invite my friend Scott to go with us?” “Absolutely! Do it!” I was way too excited about spending more time with my new point of interest. It was a total blast! I had the time of my life. At one point, Travis made this horrible jump no one should attempt without a sponsor and nailed it. I guess Scott had to follow suit so he did. He nailed his face into the side of the hill and slip up the mountain. I laughed my ass off! I didn’t even know that was possible! We made a spaghetti dinner that night where I burned the garlic toast – the one item I was in charge of….
Well, Jacob’s awake. Break’s over. I’ll have to continue this another time.