My mother has been telling me this for years! “You’re so obsessed with that fricken gym!” she’d say. “I am not,” I’d respond all defensively, “I’m just keeping myself healthy.” Denial. I hate having to skip a workout or feeling as though I’ve half-assed one. I even get mad on the inside at my children if they get in the way of a good session. Anger. Exercise is always at the forfront of my mind. I’m always in search of that next big high. Yesterday I ran 3 miles in 25:43. Today, I want to run it in under 25 minutes. I’m competitive “What’s that? It took you a whole minute longer to run your 3 miles? Psh.” and all around out of control. I tell myself “I can quit anytime.” I lie.
I’m scared to go back to work full time because, how will a fit a daily workout in? Sure, you can do a video at home, or modified exercises to meet your schedule but that does not fulfill my addiction. I’m left wanting more. Needing more. I’m not this super fit, hot mom that this level of addiction should produce but the way a good workout makes me feel is worth it. The endorphins rule my life! My understanding is that one day on our vacation we walked a total of 13 miles. This included a walk to Diamondhead (an inactive volcano, I think), the hike up, and a walk back to the hotel. None of this includes the 2+ mile jog Jacy, Brittany, and I did in the morning. Could I take the next morning off? Absolutely not. It was very difficult to workout with the kids, though, so the exercise had to be modified to things I could do with them. Here I am in Hawaii and I couldn’t wait to get my toosh back to the gym in Boise, Idaho. Ummm – There’s something wrong with that.
This morning, I walk up the stairs to the treadmills. “Hello, Bitch,” I say to one in my head. “Are we friends today or are you going to kick my ass?” I haven’t hit a treadmill all week and frankly, I’m scared. I start of with a jog, pump it up to a sprint, then wind it down with a walk. Repeat. I do this for 3 miles. I vowed to myself a while back “no more self-hating” so I congratulate my body, thank God for the ease and painless time, and promise tomorrow will be harder.
Okay. I’m addicted. I have a problem. I can’t quit anytime and I’m not ready to even try. Judge me if you wish but I bet we all have some tie up to work through…