First of all, I’m nervous this post will come of negatively so I want to start with all the positives! I tend to treat this blog like a diary, I guess. That being said – the vacation was wonderful! It was such a sweet escape from chilly weather and I loved me some sunshine and beachy times! Most of all, I LOVED seeing my family again. That made it all worth it! The Hawaii part wasn’t nearly as awesome as getting to spend some QT with those I love. However….
I was in Paradise. What could possibly have gone wrong? Well, Reality decided to give me a big old bitch of a slap to the face and I finally came to a realization I probably should have recognized years earlier.
I’m not going to pretend I had some hard childhood with sadness and gloom. I didn’t. My childhood was nearly perfect! I had every opportunity someone could have and loads of love and support behind me. My mom has been there for me through everything and has helped me grow into who I am. She’s always stood by me and helped tremendously when I couldn’t stand on my own. I would be completely empty without her and in no way could have made it. I always felt fortunate to grow up with true brothers (they were all much older than me – from 9-20 years older) who I could look up to like 3 completely different father figure-types. Of course NO ONE could ever take the place of my actual dad, but cancer stole him away when I was 14. I always needed my daddy, without even knowing it, but those teenage years I seemed to want one even more. Maybe it was because I no longer had mine that I was looking to someone to provide that or maybe every girl just needs her dad. Whatever the case, I had 3. Pretty lucky! I don’t get close to people. I keep everyone at a distance – I’m not totally sure why. I’ll share secrets and things like that but when I feel I’m getting too close to someone, I back waaaay off and let things cool down a bit. However, after losing my dad, I turned most heavily to my brother Dave’s family as my own. He and Jacy always made me feel a part of their family. They’d take me to dance classes, on their family vacations, include me in outtings (like the pumpkin patch,etc)… Anyhow, his two kids (enter Johnny and Brittany) felt like an actual brother and sister to me. So I felt like I had a figure family, if that makes sense. It’s like I was lucky to have more than just one family. I had lots of parental figures to look up to and people to see as a brother and sister. We were close in age and lived like 2 miles from each other. We even walked to school together for a couple of years before they built one in their neighborhood. Brittany will tell you she was abused by Johnny and I on those journeys. She was not.
Bring it back to present day. Our trip in hawaii is incredible. There’s so much to do, it’s gorgeous, I’ve got my family, I’m talking amazing! Not perfect, but amazing just the same. It was definitely a different vacation from what I remember but we had everyone to accomodate and new babies so things are bound to be different. This trip, from my understanding, was for the boys. They all grew up together and had a lot of great memories of their days in Hawaii. They wanted to hit the waves of Bellows, check out the old base they used to live on, and of course do the other touristy things. This is what I think the trip was for, anyway. I’m not entirely sure but that’s what I had figured. I didn’t grow up with them but I wanted to see the things they always talk about. I was so excited to play in the waves myself and gain a small witness of their past. Their stories put Hawaii on my bucket list so, even though it was completely last minute (I’m talking 20 hours to take-off), I just HAD to be a part of it.
That being said, this trip sent all my thoughts in a whirlwind with my reality check I mentioned earlier. I’ve already dragged on for far too long so I’ll just break it down to the day I got my….epiphany? So, we go body boarding at Bellows – for the second time, but honestly I would have enjoyed spending every day there! Bellows days were by far my favorite! Anyhow, my brothers are boys. True blue boys. They’re not going to build you up and try to make you feel good about yourself. If you want to fit in, you better find your wit and your backbone real quick. Regardless of this, you don’t really ever question if they love you because they do. And somehow, you just know this. They know how to catch the waves. I have no idea. I took several waves under that water, coming up a disheveled mess. Not suprisingly, I could, at times, be in the way. Big time. That’s okay. Later that night, we arrive at Jeff’s hotel room. We were all supposed to meet up for dinner at his place. We walk towards the balcony, he looks up and says “Oh fuck.” I’m pretty sure he’s joking, that’s how I took it and for the sake of my feelings will continue to take it but this didn’t really bother me either. He’s that brother. We were never that close and statements like this are not unusual. He’s actually really funny, and I could give you hours of his hilarity but I’ve already gone on too long as it is. Brittany comes in later and he hugs her and is all sentimental with her blah blah blah. Again, this stuff doesn’t bug me.I’m sure on some level it does, but not on one that I can feel (does that even make sense?) Well, we’ve been hanging out for a while now and I’m starving (I get real cranky when I’m hungry) and the kids are hungry so I’m ready to make our way to some dinner table. I mention to my sister, Brittany that we’re so ready to bounce and get some food if they’d like to join us and she looks up at me and says “Ummm – I’m going to wait for my family.” And there it was. The crasher. The big realization.
This is not a big deal. Of course she should wait for her family! But inside me, I feel a million breaks as all I had used to think finally swallows a big load of reality. Oh yeah. You’re not really my sister. You’re my niece. You have your own family. Johnny is not my brother. David is not my father. Jacy is not an additional motherly figure. My brothers are Dave, Danny, Jeff, and Robert (who passed away but will never be forgotten). But they all had their childhood together and are on the same page together. I’m not there. I can’t relate to them. I’m 10-20 years behind. I don’t fit in there. Johnny and Brittany are true siblings and while I may often feel like I fit there, I don’t. That is not my family. I stood there feeling like a pathetic loser of a woman who just found out the man she’s played mistress to for years will not actually leave his wife for her. This feeling was only upheld as I’m asked to be the picture taker of the true family – the seven – and later told “I didn’t even know you guys were gone” as I decided I really needed to just leave and have dinner on my own to let the feelings simmer. Scott was looking forward to having dinner with everyone but as I checked out and went into crazy woman land, he refused to leave me. He had no idea what was bothering me, yet stood behind me anyway. Yeah, he was pissed and showed it (which only made me angrier) but he would not let me be alone. That’s family. When I finally told him I’d catch up and to just give me a minute, I was able to talk to my mom. It was such a blessing to have her there. She listened and never judged me. She was understanding and after everything said “let’s go to dinner.” She has always been there by my side no matter how crazy or sensitive I can be. She’s the best family there is. I have family. I don’t exactly know where I fit, I know now things aren’t what I always thought they were but I have 3 living amazing brothers. All totally different, but incredible in their own ways. I have nieces and a nephew who I’ve been lucky to feel close to. I have the most amazing mother ever. And I lucked out to have the most wonderful husband who will stand by my crazy ass even when he has no idea where the crazy comes from. I still feel a little lost but I’d rather be lost and lucky than just lost and alone. 🙂